Lexus LS 9,000 HLiGT!!! (parody here)
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Lexus LS 9,000 HLiGT!!! (parody here)
1SICKRELEASE
Lexus, in its continuing attempt to pursue perfection passionately (more on the passion Lexus porno later) has decided to make what they say is the ultimate luxury sedan with sport and everything.
Here is the LExus LS 9,000 HLiGT. This is the new LS, in long wheelbase, with hybrid, AWD, with 3,000 hp, 3,100 lbs torque while getting 500 miles a gallon. "We were tired of being left out of water cooler conversations, even though the LS is the best-selling luxury sedan in America and is world-reknown for luxury, well that is not enough".
Another high level Lexus exec said "damnit is Jeremy Clarkson doesn't like our cars, life is just not worth living".
Lexus chief designer states
" we decided that even though the LS is one of the most highly regarded luxury cars in the world, we should let the people that have no money, nor any intentions to buy it, to design the car". So we let anyone ages 8-24 add their say. Also we contacted the National Organization of Lexus Die, or NOLD for short since we value their opinions greatly.
Lexus started with a clean sheet of paper, as they were concerned if they used the crumpled paper to draw on that Chris Bangle uses, the new LS will have all these unneccesary creases.
"We addressed all complaints"
1. The car can be FWD/RWD or AWD with the push of a button. This way people on the internet cannot argue against the car. With the push of a button, your favorite FANBOY can drive the car how he thinks it should be driven.
2. 3,000hp, 3,1000 lbs torque. "We used the Space SHuttle as our guide" Lexus officials were tired that even though with "only" 290hp and even though its near quickest in class, people with the I.Q of test rodents cannot comprehend that Horsepower is not everything. So with 3,000 hp, there is no arguing with any other car, the Bugatti only has 1,000hp in comparison.
4. V-39 engine. Lexus wanted to make sure it was a SUPREME car, so it is fitted with the worlds first V-39 engine. They used nanotechnology to fit it inside the car.
5. Front engined and Rear engines. The LS also has 30 cylinders in front and 19 in back. So your favorite fanboy can switch to either front or rear engined, depending on his arguement for the day.
6. Supercharger and Turbocharger. The LS also has both turbo and S/C.. As a matter of fact the Turbo has a supercharger on it as well "we cannot forget those that bought the "Fast and Furiuos" DVD said one Lexus official.
7. Hybrid. Somehow, Lexus fit Hybrid technology inside the car. The car comes with its own personal gas station attendant to pump your gas whereever you go. 500 miles a gallon is the estimate, they figure even if they get 400 miles a gallon, Hybrid haters will still be satisfied.
8. 53" dub-dub-dime-treys. "we had to take the MTV culture seriously" said one Lexus official (if that is not an oxymoron, taking "them" serious). The new LS has 53" rims and tires, to CRUSH all that oppose. Now when you pull up, that fool on 24" rims must bow down, since your rims are twice as big.
9. Active suspension. The new LS has the worlds first active suspension. "we worked with Fred Flinstone
to get a feedback on how to get the BEST feedback". There is no feedback like pushing and stopping a car with your feet. The LS has an opening under the seat, so you can dangle your legs on the road and get that feeling of the road that only Ferrari and Porsche could only preciously give.
10. Soul. The LS is the first car to actually have a real soul. As in a soul of a person. "Since we are a conglomorate, we have pull in VERY high places" said one Lexus official. So high, that the ALMIGHTY agreed to give the new LS a SOUL in exchange for a free LS and a SC 430 for his son Jesus. God is quoted as saying "I agreed to this deal, because like Toyota/Lexus, us good guys are just talked about so badly by those "cool" guys.
So now when fanboys are arguing on the internet that Lexus has no "soul' well techincally speaking, the LS is a living person with a SOUL like every human being.
11. Passion. In relation to soul, Lexus will release a limited **** DVD that you can play in your new LS and all 345 of its T.V screens. "we figure what could give people more passion, than a **** DVD".
Ron Jeremy leads an all-star cast, included with every LS sold.
12, Luxury. "We had volunteers of thousands of trees who committed to being used in a Lexus, it was amazing' . Lexus had to decide from thousands of trees, who would die and be used in the new LS. The Drúadan forest from the Lord of the Rings was decided to be used. There were rumors that the new LS would be the first Lexus to use fake wood, but after 2 straight days of laughing hysterically, the intern who brought it up as a way to cut costs was pushed out the 56th story window of Lexus headquarters.....
13. More luxury. "we rasied these cows as if they were our children" said another Lexus official.
Kobe cows were used to make the leather used in the LS.
14. NOLD and SELNOC asked for assisatance. NOLD or the National Organization of Lexus Die and SELNOC the South Eastern Lexus Non-Owners Club were asked for opinons and all hate comments, to make the LS better. The usual comments were
1. Lexus is nothing more than Toyota Corollas with leather.
2. All Lexus are Camrys with Rims.
3. They have no soul like my uncle Peter, so they cannot be a car. THey have no soul.
4. They are boring and I hate boring. As a matter of fact, I am so bored, I have to call Lexus boring.
5. All those surveys are paid by Toyota, even though I have never seen a broken down Lexus on the side of the road, they are all wrong. The quality is bad, I know, I work for Lexus.
After much debate, a common thread was found on the HATE against Lexus. Most stories of these haters read like this....
"I was a young kid growing up and my family always got a new Mustang or BMW or other car, while the other car, the Toyota, was always there. It never broke down. My dad loved that car as it was the only car he paid off for that actually WORKED when he was done paying for it. When I became a teen and 16, I was able to drive. I wanted to drive the Mustang_______(fill in the blank for other cars), that was the car that was to be passed to me. But when I turned 16, the damn car broke down. Over and over again. So my dad gave me the Toyota b/c it was the car that worked. I didn't WANT the car that worked, I wanted the cool car, even if I had to keep it parked and continue taking the bus to school....
The other common thread was these people had the I.Qs of dead goldfish......
Lexus, in its continuing attempt to pursue perfection passionately (more on the passion Lexus porno later) has decided to make what they say is the ultimate luxury sedan with sport and everything.
Here is the LExus LS 9,000 HLiGT. This is the new LS, in long wheelbase, with hybrid, AWD, with 3,000 hp, 3,100 lbs torque while getting 500 miles a gallon. "We were tired of being left out of water cooler conversations, even though the LS is the best-selling luxury sedan in America and is world-reknown for luxury, well that is not enough".
Another high level Lexus exec said "damnit is Jeremy Clarkson doesn't like our cars, life is just not worth living".
Lexus chief designer states
" we decided that even though the LS is one of the most highly regarded luxury cars in the world, we should let the people that have no money, nor any intentions to buy it, to design the car". So we let anyone ages 8-24 add their say. Also we contacted the National Organization of Lexus Die, or NOLD for short since we value their opinions greatly.
Lexus started with a clean sheet of paper, as they were concerned if they used the crumpled paper to draw on that Chris Bangle uses, the new LS will have all these unneccesary creases.
"We addressed all complaints"
1. The car can be FWD/RWD or AWD with the push of a button. This way people on the internet cannot argue against the car. With the push of a button, your favorite FANBOY can drive the car how he thinks it should be driven.
2. 3,000hp, 3,1000 lbs torque. "We used the Space SHuttle as our guide" Lexus officials were tired that even though with "only" 290hp and even though its near quickest in class, people with the I.Q of test rodents cannot comprehend that Horsepower is not everything. So with 3,000 hp, there is no arguing with any other car, the Bugatti only has 1,000hp in comparison.
4. V-39 engine. Lexus wanted to make sure it was a SUPREME car, so it is fitted with the worlds first V-39 engine. They used nanotechnology to fit it inside the car.
5. Front engined and Rear engines. The LS also has 30 cylinders in front and 19 in back. So your favorite fanboy can switch to either front or rear engined, depending on his arguement for the day.
6. Supercharger and Turbocharger. The LS also has both turbo and S/C.. As a matter of fact the Turbo has a supercharger on it as well "we cannot forget those that bought the "Fast and Furiuos" DVD said one Lexus official.
7. Hybrid. Somehow, Lexus fit Hybrid technology inside the car. The car comes with its own personal gas station attendant to pump your gas whereever you go. 500 miles a gallon is the estimate, they figure even if they get 400 miles a gallon, Hybrid haters will still be satisfied.
8. 53" dub-dub-dime-treys. "we had to take the MTV culture seriously" said one Lexus official (if that is not an oxymoron, taking "them" serious). The new LS has 53" rims and tires, to CRUSH all that oppose. Now when you pull up, that fool on 24" rims must bow down, since your rims are twice as big.
9. Active suspension. The new LS has the worlds first active suspension. "we worked with Fred Flinstone
to get a feedback on how to get the BEST feedback". There is no feedback like pushing and stopping a car with your feet. The LS has an opening under the seat, so you can dangle your legs on the road and get that feeling of the road that only Ferrari and Porsche could only preciously give.10. Soul. The LS is the first car to actually have a real soul. As in a soul of a person. "Since we are a conglomorate, we have pull in VERY high places" said one Lexus official. So high, that the ALMIGHTY agreed to give the new LS a SOUL in exchange for a free LS and a SC 430 for his son Jesus. God is quoted as saying "I agreed to this deal, because like Toyota/Lexus, us good guys are just talked about so badly by those "cool" guys.
So now when fanboys are arguing on the internet that Lexus has no "soul' well techincally speaking, the LS is a living person with a SOUL like every human being. 11. Passion. In relation to soul, Lexus will release a limited **** DVD that you can play in your new LS and all 345 of its T.V screens. "we figure what could give people more passion, than a **** DVD".
Ron Jeremy leads an all-star cast, included with every LS sold.12, Luxury. "We had volunteers of thousands of trees who committed to being used in a Lexus, it was amazing' . Lexus had to decide from thousands of trees, who would die and be used in the new LS. The Drúadan forest from the Lord of the Rings was decided to be used. There were rumors that the new LS would be the first Lexus to use fake wood, but after 2 straight days of laughing hysterically, the intern who brought it up as a way to cut costs was pushed out the 56th story window of Lexus headquarters.....
13. More luxury. "we rasied these cows as if they were our children" said another Lexus official.
Kobe cows were used to make the leather used in the LS. 14. NOLD and SELNOC asked for assisatance. NOLD or the National Organization of Lexus Die and SELNOC the South Eastern Lexus Non-Owners Club were asked for opinons and all hate comments, to make the LS better. The usual comments were
1. Lexus is nothing more than Toyota Corollas with leather.
2. All Lexus are Camrys with Rims.
3. They have no soul like my uncle Peter, so they cannot be a car. THey have no soul.
4. They are boring and I hate boring. As a matter of fact, I am so bored, I have to call Lexus boring.
5. All those surveys are paid by Toyota, even though I have never seen a broken down Lexus on the side of the road, they are all wrong. The quality is bad, I know, I work for Lexus.
After much debate, a common thread was found on the HATE against Lexus. Most stories of these haters read like this....
"I was a young kid growing up and my family always got a new Mustang or BMW or other car, while the other car, the Toyota, was always there. It never broke down. My dad loved that car as it was the only car he paid off for that actually WORKED when he was done paying for it. When I became a teen and 16, I was able to drive. I wanted to drive the Mustang_______(fill in the blank for other cars), that was the car that was to be passed to me. But when I turned 16, the damn car broke down. Over and over again. So my dad gave me the Toyota b/c it was the car that worked. I didn't WANT the car that worked, I wanted the cool car, even if I had to keep it parked and continue taking the bus to school....
The other common thread was these people had the I.Qs of dead goldfish......
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