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Jokes (The Mother Thread)

Old 11-04-01, 07:16 PM
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Default Jokes (The Mother Thread)

Perhaps we can laugh on this thread... here is the 1st joke:

A woman is driving a Porsche. She sees another woman with a Porsche that has broken down on the side of the road. She stops to ask what's wrong. The owner of the broken Porsche said, "I just had a look under the hood, well, while I was driving somebody had stolen the
engine."

The other said, "Oh, don't wory, I have a spare one in the back."



Last edited by RA40; 11-30-18 at 12:28 PM. Reason: Merge threads
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Old 11-04-01, 07:18 PM
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Car Names Explained
AUDI- Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW-Big Money Works
* Brutal Money Waster
* Bimbette Motor Weapon
* Break My Window
BUICK-Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET- Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
* Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
* Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
*Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology
DODGE-Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
*Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
*Dead or Dying Gas Eater
*Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express
FIAT- Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
*Fix It All the Time
*Fix it again, Tony!
FORD - First On Recall Day
*Fixed Or Repaired Daily
*First On Rust and Deterioration
*Fix Or Repair Daily
*Found On Road, Dead
*Fast Only Rolling Downhill
*Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
*Found On Russian Dump
GM- General Maintenance
* Great Mistake
* GMC- Garage Man's Companion
* Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA - Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI-Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA- Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE-Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
PINTO - put in new transmission often
PONTIAC - poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac
SAAB-Send Another Automobile Back
*Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
*Sorry Arsed Auto Builders
TOYOTA-Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO- Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
*Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners
VW-Virtually Worthless

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Old 11-04-01, 07:20 PM
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17 Things Not To Say To A Cop
1 I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2 Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3 Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4 Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5 Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
6 I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7 I was going to be a trooper, but I decided to finish high school instead.
8 Bad cop! No donut!
9 You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10 Is it true that people become troopers because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
11 I pay your salary!
12 Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
13 Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
14 I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.
15 What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
16 Hey, is that a 9 mm? How's that compare to this one here?
17 Say Hi to your wife and my kids!


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Old 11-04-01, 07:32 PM
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IF MICROSOFT BUILT CARS.....
>
> 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road
> you would have to buy a new car.
>
> 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway
> for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart
> and drive on.
>
> 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause
> your car to stop and fail and you would have to
> re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you
> would accept this too.
>
> 4. You could only have one person in the car at a
> time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then
> you would have to buy more seats.
>
> 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by
> the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as
> easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of
> the roads.
>
> 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive
> Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make
> their cars run much slower.
>
> 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would
> be replaced by a single "general car default" warning
>light.
>
> 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same
> size butt.
>
> 9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?"
> before going off.
>
> 10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have
> no idea what happened.
>
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Old 11-05-01, 09:41 PM
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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of a lot fun down here. You
a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow ... that's awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt ... you're dead anyhow.
What about Drugs??
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?

Guy: No...

Satan: Ooooh (grimaces). You're gonna hate Fridays.

BUAHAHAHAAHA
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Old 11-05-01, 10:26 PM
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A man goes to his doctor and says, "I need to get some birth control for
my 10 year old daughter." The doctor looks at the man in shock and asks,
"Your 10 year old daughter is sexually active?" "No", the man replies,
"She just lies there like her mother."



This one I told to some of ya, but it deserves its place here:

Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't ****ing listen.
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Old 11-06-01, 08:06 AM
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Mitsubishi
Mostly In The Shop Undergoing Big Investments Somtimes Half Incomplete.

Ford
Driver Returns on Foot

Don't forget these license plate ideas.

EM TAE Eat Me spelled backwards
SRUOYPU Up Yours spelled backwards
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Old 11-06-01, 09:03 AM
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Default hahahhaa

This guy and his wife are in a car accident...........horrible, car fips, rolls over, thrown around,hit again..everything.
The guy gets out without a scratch, but his wife is messed up bad.
Their both rushed to the hospital....
The doctor comes and tells the husband "your wife is paralyzed from the neck down, your going to have to feed her, change her diapers, watch her 247..." the man starts crying histericly.....
Then the doctor says "just kidding she's dead!"
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Old 11-06-01, 09:05 AM
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Default one more....

What's the difference between a SC430 and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a SC430 in my garage....haha
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Old 11-06-01, 09:34 AM
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man, those are some morbid jokes Francis hahahahah
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Old 11-06-01, 10:47 AM
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Greay Jokes guys.
I'll go search for a good one!!!
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Old 11-06-01, 01:40 PM
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Default Chicago Driving Rules-these are hilarious and so true about Chicago

1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many
> people
> > can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane
> > waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting
> the
> > orange construction barrels.
> >
> > 2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Chicago driver
> never
> > uses them.
> >
> > 3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you
> and
> > the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else
> > putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
> >
> > 4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered
> "going
> > with the flow".
> >
> > 5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance
you
> > have of getting hit.
> >
> > 6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
> > Illinois is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have
> > anything to lose.
> >
> > 7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
> your
> > ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal
> > pulsates.
> >
> > 8. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
> >
> > 9. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after
> you
> > pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.
> >
> > 10. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to
> > provide
> > useful information. They are only there to make Chicago look high-tech
> and
> > to
> > distract you from seeing the Chicago police car parked in the median.
> >
> > 11. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good
> way
> > to scare people entering the highway.
> >
> > 12. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and
> are
> > apparently not enforceable in the Chicago area during rush hour.
> >
> > 13. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up
or
> > move over doesn't mean that a Chicago driver flashing his high beams
> behind
> > you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
> >
> > 14. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
> > rush-hour traffic in Chicago.
> >
> > 15. Always slow down and take a really good long look when you see an
> > accident or even someone changing a tire.
> >
> > 16. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape keeps
the
> > existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-highway crews
> > something
> > to clean up.
> >
> > 17. Everybody thinks his or her vehicle is better than yours,
especially
> > the
> > pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge or
> > Chevy
> > logo.
> >
> > 18. Learn to swerve abruptly. Chicago is the home of high-speed slalom
> > driving thanks to IDOT, which puts potholes in key locations to test
> > drivers'
> > reflexes and keep them on their toes.
> >
> > 19. It is traditional in Chicago to honk your horn at cars that don't
> move
> > the instant the light changes.
> >
> > 20. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
> >
> > 21. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left
> > before proceeding.
> >
> > 22. Remember that the goal of every Chicago driver is to get there
> first,
> > by
> > whatever means necessary.
> >
> > 23. Real Chicago women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye
> > makeup at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
> >
> > 24. Real Chicago men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at
> seventy-five
> > miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
> >
> > 25. Heavy snows, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the
> > previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of
> ensuring
> > a
> > natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle
> sales.
> >
> > 26. In the Chicago area, flipping someone the bird is considered an
> > Illinois salute, this gesture should always be returned.
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Old 11-06-01, 07:23 PM
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A blonde and a brunette both board an elevator and push the buttons for their respective floors. On the next floor, the door opens and a businessman wearing a black suit boards the elevator. It’s evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the shoulder of his suit.
Two floors later the man gets off, and the two women remain. When the door closes the brunette says, “Someone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders.”

The blonde then responds, “How do you give shoulders?”
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Old 11-06-01, 07:26 PM
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A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his ***** in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next, she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband, terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut it off are you?”

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, gave the hacksaw to him and said, “Nope. You are…I’m only going to set the garage on fire.”
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Old 11-06-01, 07:27 PM
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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. Two hours later they come out with a badly-beaten bear who’s yelling, “OK, OK! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
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