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Jokes (The Mother Thread)

Old 04-18-08, 11:44 AM
  #826  
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While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a
walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,"
one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?" They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me." The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
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Old 04-18-08, 11:45 AM
  #827  
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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
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Old 04-18-08, 11:45 AM
  #828  
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Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
1000 pounds or best offer.

Reason for sale:- No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.
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Old 04-18-08, 11:49 AM
  #829  
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A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
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Old 04-22-08, 03:22 PM
  #830  
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anymore please...
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Old 04-22-08, 07:22 PM
  #831  
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Hahaha, its about time, been wondering when you were gonna update us.
Thanks Saiji
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Old 04-24-08, 10:19 AM
  #832  
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hahaha new jokes will come next week since I compound factured my ankle and I'm away from the office until Monday.
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Old 04-24-08, 11:17 AM
  #833  
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Originally Posted by Saiji View Post
10 Office Rules:

10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.

9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.

5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!

LOL i am most of these right now.
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Old 05-01-08, 04:15 PM
  #834  
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Talking Girls night out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
>> Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
>> they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
>> Breezers.
>>
>> Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
>> pee,
>> so they stopped in the cemetery.
>>
>> One of them had nothing to wipe with so
>> she thought she would take off her panties and use
>> them.
>>
>> Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
>> pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
>>
>> She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
>> that had a wreath with a ribbon on it,
>> so she proceeded to wipe with that.
>>
>> After the girls did their business they proceeded
>> to go home.
>>
>> The next day one of the women's husband
>> was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent
>> wife
>> was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
>> husband
>> and said:
>> 'These girl nights have got to stop!
>> I'm starting to suspect the worst..
>> my wife came home with no panties!!'
>>
>> 'That's nothing'
>> said the other husband,
>> 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her *** that
>> said.....
>>
>> 'From all of us at the Fire Station.
>> We'll never forget you.'
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Old 05-01-08, 04:17 PM
  #835  
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Default Amazing Simple Home Remedies

>>
>> 1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting
someone
>> else to hold them while you chop.
>>
>> 2. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat
by
>> using the shower.
>>
>> 3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
bleed
>> for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Remember
>> to use a timer.>>

>> 4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
prevent you
>> from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the
snooze
>> button.
>>
>> 5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxative s,
then
you
>> will be afraid to cough.
>>
>> 6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If
it
>> doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move
and
>> does, use the duct tape.
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Old 05-02-08, 09:32 AM
  #836  
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Ok guys back in action again...

New Relationship Book
"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our

relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'" - Unknown
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Old 05-02-08, 09:34 AM
  #837  
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Proud Texan Father
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"
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Old 05-02-08, 09:35 AM
  #838  
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Need Samples
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
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Old 05-02-08, 09:36 AM
  #839  
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Blonde Kidnapper
A blonde was down on her luck.

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I致e kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I致e kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The blonde pinned the note to the kid痴 shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
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Old 05-02-08, 09:37 AM
  #840  
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21, 21, 21
There's a brunette walking down a set of railroad tracks saying,"21, 21, 21..."

Then a blonde pulls up, gets out of her car, and says, "What are you doing?"

The brunette replies, "Just counting."

The blonde says, "May I join you?"

"Yes," replies the brunette.

So the blonde and the brunette are now both walking down the railroad tracks saying," 21, 21, 21..."

A train comes and the brunette jumps off the tracks as the blonde gets hit.

After the train passes, the brunette gets back on the tracks and says,"22, 22, 22..."
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