The Clubhouse The Clubhouse is an area where we can post topics on all kinds of things that are not necessarily related to 'Lexus'.

Jokes (The Mother Thread)

 
Old 08-16-04, 10:42 AM
  #61  
VSsc400
Lexus Fanatic
iTrader: (1)
 
VSsc400's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: IL
Posts: 5,479
Likes: 0
Received 1 Like on 1 Post
Default

wow went through the whole thing. Now I'm cross eyed.
VSsc400 is offline  
Old 08-16-04, 10:49 AM
  #62  
D2-AUTOSPORT
Former Sponsor
 
D2-AUTOSPORT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: D2'sville
Posts: 13,001
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

Originally posted by VSsc400
wow went through the whole thing. Now I'm cross eyed.
I did too, but I did alot of skimming! Good jokes
D2-AUTOSPORT is offline  
Old 08-16-04, 11:34 AM
  #63  
GS3Tek
Lexus Fanatic
iTrader: (8)
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: so cal
Posts: 11,898
Received 30 Likes on 28 Posts
Default

This thread should be merged with another one that was floating around.
GS3Tek is offline  
Old 08-25-04, 01:10 PM
  #64  
TRULUX
Lead Lap
iTrader: (1)
 
TRULUX's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 796
Likes: 0
Received 1 Like on 1 Post
Default

what is the worst part about a retard with big *****?


you dont notice she is retarded.
TRULUX is offline  
Old 08-25-04, 05:19 PM
  #65  
retrodrive
Search Function Inc.
 
retrodrive's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: California
Posts: 4,819
Likes: 0
Received 2 Likes on 1 Post
Default

Threads like these never get old anyway

WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers.

WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
retrodrive is offline  
Old 08-26-04, 12:15 PM
  #66  
Richie
Lexus Fanatic
 
Richie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 19,103
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

Originally posted by TRULUX
what is the worst part about a retard with big *****?


you dont notice she is retarded.
I'm going to tell this one at the shop tomorow!!!
Richie is offline  
Old 08-26-04, 01:13 PM
  #67  
aliga
Former Sponsor
iTrader: (147)
 
aliga's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: New York
Posts: 10,727
Likes: 0
Received 7 Likes on 7 Posts
Default

Got it from the Family Guy:

Why do girls have *****?

Gives you something to look at while your talking to them.
aliga is offline  
Old 08-28-04, 05:40 AM
  #68  
TLW
Lexus Fanatic
 
TLW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: new jersey
Posts: 14,523
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this

way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I

got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" t

he guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot

says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a

little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and


speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with

reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially

good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price

tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody

wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!" The

guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot issensational. He has a great

sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's

insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot

goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not,

but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman

delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him

passionately." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman

came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "Oh No!,"

he exclaims. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all

over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...." "WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
TLW is offline  
Old 08-28-04, 12:11 PM
  #69  
GS3Tek
Lexus Fanatic
iTrader: (8)
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: so cal
Posts: 11,898
Received 30 Likes on 28 Posts
Default

Originally posted by T.L.W.
[
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!" [/B]


Why we grind our teeth at night?

NWS?

https://www.clublexus.com/gallery/da...eeth-thumb.gif

And then you wonder why you have a bad taste in your mouth in the morning..... :-)
GS3Tek is offline  
Old 08-28-04, 06:47 PM
  #70  
jet864
Lexus Champion
 
jet864's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Washington
Posts: 3,057
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?
You would too if your name was blaaaghaagk

What's the differencr between Elvis and Michael Jackson?
Elvis is the king of ROCK...and Michael Jackson f***s little kids.

James
jet864 is offline  
Old 08-28-04, 07:17 PM
  #71  
TLW
Lexus Fanatic
 
TLW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: new jersey
Posts: 14,523
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

Originally posted by jet864


What's the differencr between Elvis and Michael Jackson?
Elvis is the king of ROCK...and Michael Jackson f***s little kids.

well they both did

was priscilla like 13 or 14
TLW is offline  
Old 08-29-04, 08:34 AM
  #72  
Dimiscus
Lead Lap
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Colorado
Posts: 441
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default Good Men and Women differences

Some you may have heard already but funny anyway.

Subject: Men and Women...

1.NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2.EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a
$20, even though the total is only $47.50. None of them will have
anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3.MONEY
A man will pay $5 for a $2 item he needs.

A woman will pay $2 for a $5 item that she doesn't need because it's
on sale.

4.BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, bar of soap, and a towel from Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 137.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5.ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7.FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8.SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9.MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10.DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail, ...

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11.NATURAL GOOD LOOKS
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to be.

Women somehow seem to deteriorate during the night.

12.OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.
Dimiscus is offline  
Old 08-29-04, 08:40 AM
  #73  
Dimiscus
Lead Lap
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Colorado
Posts: 441
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

This stuff is great. No offense, just good clean wholesome fun.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dimiscus is offline  
Old 08-29-04, 08:47 AM
  #74  
Dimiscus
Lead Lap
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Colorado
Posts: 441
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
******************

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what
are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my d***," he replied. The receptionist
became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say
things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he
said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have
said there is something wrong with your ear or something and
then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room
full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't **** out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
Dimiscus is offline  
Old 08-29-04, 05:34 PM
  #75  
octane300
Lead Lap
 
octane300's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Florida
Posts: 427
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Post

One day, a man calls into work and says "I can't come in today, my doctor says I have **** glaucoma."

Annoyed, his boss replies, "**** glaucoma. What the hell is that!?"

The man answers, "I just can't see my *** coming to work today!"
octane300 is offline  

Thread Tools
Search this Thread
Quick Reply: Jokes (The Mother Thread)


Contact Us - About Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service

© 2019 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands

We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
 
  • Ask a Question
    Get answers from community experts
Question Title:
Description:
Your question will be posted in: