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Jokes (The Mother Thread)

 
Old 11-07-01, 02:41 AM
  #31  
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Default Payback

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."
The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
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Old 11-07-01, 02:43 AM
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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well, Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replies the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
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Old 11-07-01, 02:45 AM
  #33  
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Default Marriage Tip

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's *** and say, 'How about a little?' and she pretends that she's asleep!"
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Old 11-07-01, 02:48 AM
  #34  
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Jerry Seinfeld:
ON DATING:
Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
"Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"
What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think.
"Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big."
"That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."
ON SEX:
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm -- all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction.
"I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail." "That's my spot."
They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool: "Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I'm not swimming anywhere."
THE RELATIONSHIP:
Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy... Get off here, now!"
But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it."
Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking up."
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
ON CLOTHES:
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

TRAVELING:
I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit... I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh... Oh, God this is so embarrassing... I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?"
"Oh about 20 minutes."
But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?"
"Around 3 miles."
DEATH:
I read somewhere that speaking in front of an audience is the greatest fear that a person has. Death ranked number 2! Death, ranked number 2 - I can't believe this! So, the chances are, if you're at a funeral, you'd rather be the guy in the casket than the guy giving the eulogy.

The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen, Jon, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it?" How does that help them solve the crime? They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement... the killer must have been... Jim."

THAT'S ODD:
I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."
But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?"
Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them will say,
"I got the front seat."
"I want the front seat."
"I called it."
And the other kid has no recourse. "He called it, what can I do?" If there was a kid court of law it holds up. "Objection! Your Honor, my client did ask for the front seat." The judge says, "Did he call it?"
"Well, no, he didn't call it..."
He bangs the gavel. "Objection overruled. He has to call it. Case closed."
EXCERPTS:
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!
And what's with these new detergent commercials? "New and Improved it removes grass stains, blood stains..." If you've got major blood stains on your clothes, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem!
Did you see these new mini van ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.
Who is this guy Louis Freeh who is head of the FBI? People keep calling him Louie, like he was the king of France or something. And what's this with his last name? What does this mean, that he gives away the letter H?
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Old 11-07-01, 02:51 AM
  #35  
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The George Costanza Dictionary

Backed Up:
Glandular condition that men get from not having sex.

Bad Breaker-Upper:
Someone who ends a relationship by saying those mean things that people don't mean - but means them.

Buck Naked:
It would be his name if he ever became a ****-star.

Home-Bed Advantage:
The confident feeling one gets while making love in one's own surroundings.

"It didn't take":
George's explanation for Susan's short-lived experimentation with lesbianism.

The "It's-not-you-it's-me" routine:
Breakup method to which George stakes claim.

Love:
A spice with many tastes, according to Newman.

Make-up Sex:
The best feature of a heavy relationship; eclipsed only by "conjugal-visit sex" and "fugitive sex".

Master of your Domain:
One who can refrain from masturbation. (Also: Lord of the Manor, King of the County, Queen of the Castle.)

Public Fornicator:
A **** actor.

Put in:
The length of time one has to keep up a relationship after a sexual liaison. Elaine suggests three weeks.

Sexual Camel:
Someone who can go great lengths of time without sex.

Sexual Perjury:
Faking it.

Shrinkage:
Physical reaction men have to cold water.

Slip One Past the Goalie:
To impregnate a woman.

Stopping Short:
Frank Costanza's technique to cop a feel in the car.

The Switch:
Dating a woman, then dating her roommate after the breakup. Has never been done successfully; probably never will.

The Tap:
Sign a woman uses to stop receiving oral sex, sort of like the manager coming to the mound and asking for the ball.
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Old 11-07-01, 02:53 AM
  #36  
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It was late friday afternoon and a guy is cruisin' home in his Porsche Turbo.... he is cruisin' at 115 mph when he sees bright flashing lights right behind him.

He thinks to himself "I can definitely outrun this cop, why even bother pulling over..." so he mashes the gas and he pulls far away from the cop. His speedo reads, 120, 130, 140, 150... Then his senses finally catches up with him and he thinks to himself "What the hell and i doing!" and pulls over.

Finally when the officer catches up and walks up to the guy he says "Look, today is a friday, I'm tired & I really dont feel like doin' more paperwork. If you can give me a Good excuse why u left me so far behind back there, i'll yet you go"

The man thinks to himself and replies " Two weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your car coming up, I was afraid you were trying to return her back to me!"

"Have a nice day" says the Officer.


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
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Old 11-07-01, 02:56 AM
  #37  
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Default Intensive Care

After a terrible accident a lady ends up at a hospital in a coma. Her husband comes to visit her and begins talking to her and rubbing her calf.

the doctor enters the room and says, "Wow. Her vital signs are improving greatly. What were you doing?" The guy explains that he was just rubbing her lower leg and talking to her. The doctor suggests, "Why don't you rub her thigh and see if she responds even better." The husband complies, and sure enough, the vital signs improve even more.

So the doctor says "OK, let's try something even more drastic and see if we can bring her out of the coma. I'll leave the room, lock the door and monitor her vital signs from the nurses stand. You try a little oral sex and see how she responds."

The guy says, "OK", and the doctor leaves the room. Shortly thereafter, her vital signs flatline and she's as dead as a doornail. The doctor rushes into the room and asks, "What happened". The husband shrugs and says, "I think she just choked".
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Old 11-07-01, 03:02 AM
  #38  
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Default In the Desert

There was a nun and a priest riding a camel through the desert. The camel suddenly stopped and died in his tracks. The priest looks at the nun and says,"since it looks like we are going to die anyway I have a favor to ask of you." "I entered the priesthood at an early age and have never seen a naked woman before." "I was wondering if you would do me the honor and disrobe so I can die a happy man?" The nun thinks about it and finally disrobes. "Wow," says the priest, "That is the most beautiful sight I have ever seen." The nun looks at the priest and says, "I too entered the nunary at an early age and have never seen a naked man before." "Would you do me the honor as to disrobe so I can experience the happiness that you just have?" The priest thinks about it and eventually disrobes. "What is that?", asks the nun. "It is the staff of life", replies the priest. "What does it do", asks the nun? "It brings life to anything you stick it in", answers the priest. The nun thinks about that for a minute and says, "Well stick it in the damn camel and lets get out of here!"
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Old 11-07-01, 03:04 AM
  #39  
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God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in the Garden of Eden.
So God says, "Okay, I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and never ever complain or argue."
Adam says, "That sounds great."
God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg."
Adam says, "Damn, that's expensive. What can I get for a rib?"
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Old 11-07-01, 03:09 AM
  #40  
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Default Conversation NO NO's

The Last Things Any Man Would Ever Say

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother****er.
2. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
3. I think hairy upper lips are really sexy.
4. You know, I think our relationship is just too physical, maybe we should slow down...
5. Her **** are just way too big.
6. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
7. Can't we just cuddle instead?
8. Can I hold your purse for you while you shop for hours for an outfit that you'll only wear once (when you tried it on).
9. The heck with Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions

The Last Things Any Woman Would Ever Say.

1. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, if it's more convenient for you.
3. By golly, you're right! My mother does have a nice ***!
4. I think beer guts are really sexy.
5. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Check this out, I can burp the entire alphabet.
7. Here, why don't you have the covers.
8. This diamond is way too big!
9. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
10. Doesn't this dress make my *** look just right?
11. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
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Old 11-07-01, 03:11 AM
  #41  
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A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart.
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, 7 nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one loose.
The man says to her, "What was that?"
She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."
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Old 11-07-01, 03:13 AM
  #42  
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A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway, the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off all of your clothes?"
She agrees and he begins to speed up.
When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over.
The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.
She replies,"I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your crotch with that and go get help from the gas station down the road."
She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment, "I think it's too late -- he's too far in!!!"
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Old 11-07-01, 03:15 AM
  #43  
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A woman and her husband go to see a new movie. The woman is quite bothered by some scenes in particular, a masturbation scene. Discussing the movie with her husband later, she says, "I'm sorry, but I find masturbation in a movie to be really offensive." Her husband sighs and says, "All right I'll stop doing it."
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Old 11-07-01, 03:18 AM
  #44  
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Default A Translation Guide

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch
any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the
gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.



A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.

I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.

I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.

I'VE GOTTA PEE.
Get out of the way.

I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

CAN I GET YOUR COAT?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

LET ME GET YOUR DOOR.
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

NICE DRESS!
Nice cleavage!

YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE.
I want to fondle you!

WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going
through now?

WHAT'S WRONG?
I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I'M BORED.
Do you want to have sex?

I LOVE YOU.
Can we have sex now?

I LOVE YOU, TOO.
OK, I said it. We'd better have sex now!

GOOD MORNING.
That was great sex. Let's have more!

SEE YOU LATER.
That was great sex. Let's have more!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and
maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.



A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING
WHILE SHOPPING:

YES, THAT ONE'S NICE.
Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?

THAT ONE LOOKS GREAT ON YOU.
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I LIKE THAT ONE BETTER.
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

UH-HUH.
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

Zzzzz Zzz Zzz Zzzzz . . . . . . . .
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I DON'T THINK THAT BLOUSE AND THAT SKIRT GO WELL
TOGETHER.
I'm gay

IT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT.
I'm really stupid!
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Old 11-07-01, 03:21 AM
  #45  
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Default A Splint

A man is going to work one day and accidentally slams his ***** in the car door. Goes to the doctor, and the doctor says, "We're going to have to put a splint on that."
The guy says, "No way Doc, I'm getting married in a week."
The Doc replies "Well if we don't, it's going to be bent for the rest of your life."
Finally the guy agrees, and the doctor gets out a couple of tongue depressors and some tape and fixes him up.
...A week later, and he's on his honeymoon...
His new wife is doing a slow, seductive strip-tease in front of him. She takes off her bra and says, "See these, they've never been touched by a man before." She then takes off her panties and says, "See this, it's never been seen by a man before."
So the husband whips off his shorts and says, "See this, it's not even out of the crate yet!"
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