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Jokes (The Mother Thread)

 
Old 11-06-01, 06:29 PM
  #16  
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Q: What food kills a woman’s sex drive?
A: Wedding cake.
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Old 11-07-01, 01:56 AM
  #17  
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Default 100 reasons it is great to be a guy!

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every
shot of someone crying.
12. Your *** is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you
go.
17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone
secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be you friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy *** every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming
by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's *** if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without
even thinking. "He must be mad at me".
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is
about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like
him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just to skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp *** over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
you friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might
become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in
the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer
and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. **** movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So ... notice
anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
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Old 11-07-01, 02:00 AM
  #18  
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the Goddamn gun...'"
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Old 11-07-01, 02:03 AM
  #19  
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Default How to impress the oppostite sex

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her...

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring beer
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Old 11-07-01, 02:04 AM
  #20  
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Default Men's Mind

A man comes home for a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to to their seperate beds however the man was not yet ready to slumber.
The man called over to his wife "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the women gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says " Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The women gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out.
As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says "Clumsy *****."
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Old 11-07-01, 02:06 AM
  #21  
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This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me! My ***** is turning orange!" The doctor says," Well, what do you do for a living?" The man replies, "I'm unemployed. I just sit at home all day eating Cheetos and watching pornos."
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Old 11-07-01, 02:09 AM
  #22  
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A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.
He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh."
He's really embarrassed...
The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You ****ing *****, you wrecked my life.'"
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Old 11-07-01, 02:12 AM
  #23  
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When Adam Saw Eve Naked

What was the first thing Adam said when he first saw Eve naked in the
Garden of Eden?

"Stand Back! I don't know how big this thing gets!"
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Old 11-07-01, 02:15 AM
  #24  
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This ad recently appeared in the New York Times newspaper:

WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
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Old 11-07-01, 02:17 AM
  #25  
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Default The Physical Look

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
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Old 11-07-01, 02:22 AM
  #26  
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"Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...
10.) No one ever steals your chair.

9.) Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8.) Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7.) People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6.) You want to see if it's like the dream.

5.) To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4.) "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3.) Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2.) Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.And... drum roll... the Number One reason to go to work naked:

1.) Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your *** in here by 8:00!" ever again.
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Old 11-07-01, 02:28 AM
  #27  
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Default Sports come first

Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No."
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
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Old 11-07-01, 02:33 AM
  #28  
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A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
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Old 11-07-01, 02:35 AM
  #29  
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Default Pick up lines

1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
2. Do you want to see something swell?
3. Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
4. Drop 'em!
5. What do you like for breakfast?
6. Excuse me. Do you want to **** or should I apologize?
7. Wanna **** like bunnies?
8. Say, did we go to different schools together?
9. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing
that pops up?
10. I had a friend who use to hand out phone cards that said:
"Smile is you want to sleep with me."
And watch them try to hold back their laugh.
11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
13. Would you like to dance or should I go **** myself again?
14. Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
15. At the office copy machine. "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"
16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels......NOW!
18. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
19. Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?
20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over.When she gets there say,
"I knew if I fingered you long enough you would ***."
21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a ****?
HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?
22. A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?"
You: "Do you have the energy?"
23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)
25. Bond. James Bond.
26. Hello love, do you spit or swallow?
27. You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book. So what's one more?
28. Your place or mine?
29. Nice shoes, wanna ****?
30. You have some nice jewellry. It would look great on my nightstand.
31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
32. Your face or MINE!?
33. "Are you ready to go home yet?"
34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
35. When she asks, for a match.
How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
36. Nice ****. Mind if I feel them?
37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now **** my brains out.
38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh?
40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
41. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
42. I'd look good on you.
43. Excuse me, have I ****ed you yet?
44. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.
45. I would kill or die to make love to you.
46. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
47. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
49. HI! Can I buy you a car?
50. NOW, *****!
51. Fancy a ****?
52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
53. Should I call you in the morning or nug you?
54. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
55. **** me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
56. I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?
57. Chicks dig me; I wear colored underwear.
58. Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?
59. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
60. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars
from the sky and put them in your eyes.
61. Look at the tag in her shirt and say:
"I want to see if you were really made in heaven."
62. Let's do breakfast tomorrow--should I call you or nudge you?
63. You know what I like about you? My arms.
64. I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen... On a Wednesday.
65. Excuse me, why is your drink glowing?
66. How did you achieve such a gaudy effect with only FDA-approved cosmetics?
67. You're ugly, but you interest me.
68. Screw me if I am wrong but you want to **** me don't you?
69. Do you believe in one-night-stands?
70. With one touch, I could make you make sounds that only a dog could hear.
71. If I said you have an ugly body, would you hold it against me?
72. If I gave you a negligee for my birthday, would there be anything in it for me?
73. If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
74. I'm leaving this place... want to ***?
75. I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line?
And are you dissapointed?
76. Why you've got the whitest teeth I'd ever want to *** across!
77. Who's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
78. Ok, **** me if I'm wrong, but I think you want to kiss me.
79. I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.
80. Free mamograms, get your free mamograms here, get 'em while they're hot!
81. Do you have a quarter? Too bad, becuase I need to call my mother and tell
her that I found the woman of my dreams.
82. Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes.
83. That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
84. Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.
85. Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.
86. Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and talk to me.
87. Did it hurt?
Woman: Did what hurt?
When you fell out of heaven?
88. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your
clothes on?
89. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples?
Brown or Pink?
90. I am conducting a feel test of how many woman have pierced nipples?
91. Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's?
92. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and ********** and I was wondering
if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
93. Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us
94. You smell wet. Let's Party.
95. Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have *** in your hair.
96. Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.
97. Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
98. Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say:
Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize?
99. I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting...
Let's meet sometime...
100. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
101. No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
102. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
103. Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked to pick you
up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.
104. Excuse me, do you live around here often?
105. Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together?
106. What's your sign?
107. You have the *** of a great artist.
108. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
109. Let's take a shower together -- you smell.
110. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade
111. If I was Elvis, would you screw me?
112. Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?!
I thought you knew...
113. Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts)
114. "Hey... somebody farted. Let's get out of here."
115. "What was that?" "That sound." "It was the sound of my heart breaking."
116. I need your help. I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body?
117. Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.
118. Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated.
119. Do you like jewels? Well suck my ****, it's a GEM.
120. Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do?
121. Do you want to go halves on a bastard?
122. Have you ever played leap frog naked ??
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Old 11-07-01, 02:39 AM
  #30  
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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
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