Bums on saddles, folks – let’s rout the pushbike Bolsheviks


If you selected a random group of British people and asked them to name everything that’s wrong or odd about Germany, the answers would be many and varied. But when I once gathered together a group of Germans and asked them to name everything they didn’t like about Britain, they were stumped. Only when pushed did one put his hand up and say, “Your taps.”

The others nodded enthusiastically. “Yes,” they all said. “Your taps. We don’t like the way you have one for hot and one for cold. Why do you not have one that mixes hot and cold to make warm?” Are you smarting? No. Thought not. So let me hit you with something that will sting a bit more. When I asked an Italian professor to name the thing he thought most strange about Britain, he said, “I once went to a pub which had a sign in the window that said, ‘Children welcome’. I found that very odd.”

It implies, of course, that there are establishments where children might not be welcome, and that to an Italian is just plain bonkers. Actually it’s just plain bonkers, no matter where you’re from. Last week, however, I saw a sign on a restaurant door that was even more mystifying: “Cyclists welcome”, it said.

I have nothing against those who ride bicycles. This week half my family and many of my friends will be cycling from Paris to London to raise money for wounded soldiers. I have a bicycle that I use for short distances of up to 100 metres in London. But I cannot see why because of this I should be more welcome at a restaurant than those who choose to go about their business on the bus.

What about people who play chess? The implication is that they are not particularly welcome. Nor are travelling salesmen, racing drivers and those who take part in dressage competitions. Why would there not be a sign saying, “Teachers welcome”?

I’ll tell you why. Because teachers are a specific group of people who teach stuff. “Cyclists”, on the other hand, does not refer to people who simply ride bicycles. These days the word means so much more than that.

You have those who ride a bike to work, and then you have cyclists who are very angry about everything and do not eat meat. By putting up a sign saying, “Cyclists welcome”, what the owner is actually saying is, “I have many vegetarian options on the menu and I pursue a fanatical anti-smoking policy. Also, I vote Labour.”

Cycling used to be how you got about when you were poor. Then it became a pastime for children. Now, though, it has evolved into something more. It’s gone beyond a way of life and become a political statement. A movement.

Its leaders even have a uniform. They wear skintight black leggings over which they put a pair of shorts. Yes, they actually wear their underpants on the outside of their trousers. There is no practical reason at all for doing this; it looks stupid. But that’s the point. It tells everyone that they are not interested in capitalism’s drive to make us all spend a fortune on fashion and looking good. It says, “I’m proud to look daft.”

This also explains the cycling helmet. If you actually wanted to protect your head, you would wear the sort of thing that motorcyclists use, and if you wanted all-round visibility you would go to the people who supply the British Army. But instead cyclists choose to wear five hardened bananas on their bonce. It’s the 21st-century equivalent of a British Leyland donkey jacket.

And often it is fitted with a GoPro video camera so that the shortcomings of van- driving painters and decorators can be uploaded to YouTube. It’s all part of the workers’ struggle against imperialism’s self-employed foot soldiers. Humiliate Gary the plumber on the internet and pretty soon you’ll bring down the stock exchange.

Twenty-five years ago we had cyclists, but back then they were called peace campaigners and they were chained to the fences at Greenham Common. Thirty years ago they were throwing rocks at policemen in Orgreave. And 180 years ago they were demanding the release of their brothers from Tolpuddle.

The Ramblers Association was born as an offshoot of the Young Communist League. It was designed to demonstrate that property is theft, and that the working man has a right to walk wherever and over whatever he sees fit. Well, today’s cyclists are simply bringing that tradition to the nation’s towns and cities.

As far as they are concerned the roads are theirs by right. And the pavements. They do not ride through red lights to make their journey quicker; they do it to show the Tories that they will not be enslaved by convention. It’s political.

And now they are demanding that their ecological, high-visibility, fair-trade, non-nuclear, meat-free lifestyle be accommodated into the mainstream, with junctions designed to put the bicycle first. They want the car and the van banished. Today the Embankment. Tomorrow the Bank of England.

There’s only one way they can be defeated. And that’s for normal people to start riding bicycles. We need to swell their ranks with moderates, people who ride a bike because they’ve had a drink and because taxis are too expensive. Ordinary people who ride in jeans and T-shirts and with no stupid helmet.

People who will walk into a restaurant with a sign on the door saying, “Cyclists welcome”, and ask for meat, with extra meat.

I’ve started the ball rolling by buying a bike. And when I ride it I have a sign on the back of my jacket that says, “Motorists. Thank you for letting me use your roads.”

Manners. That’s what the Germans say they like best about Britain and the British. So let’s use them to defeat extremism’s latest attempt to upset the applecart.