Wing Zero

I'll tell you the truth, the situation is more complicated than that.
Here it is: The house is now mine actually. Time came to renew the mortgage and the bank didn't want to give it to my dad because his credit is really bad now. But I qualified. So the mortgage and ownership of the house has been trasfered to me. So for the past few months even though the house was mine, my dad has been making the payments.
When time came to get the Lexus, what we did was buy the car under my dads business. Even though my dads credit was bad, the business was fine and so they gave us the car. So the car is actually owned by my dad and his business, not me.

What we ended up doing now is, my dad would pay for the car and I would pay for the house. So technically I can't leave because it is my house. But my dad is still bossy anyway. He said if I don't do what he says then he will stop making payments on the car and I will lose it. Technically I can play hard ball as well and simply tell him to get out of my house, but I don't feel right doing that, he is my father.

Now just because I have the mortgage doesn't mean that I'm stuck here forever. I could simply sell the house. But where would that leave my parents and brother.

For now I haven't said anything because things seem fine right now. But the next time he tries to control me or threaten me, I'm just about ready to tell him to get out and take the stupid car with him.
Me and my brother make more than enough money combined to pay for the house, his car and the bills. My brother takes the train to work everyday so I could just use his car for me to get to work. My brother knows about this and I'm pretty sure he'll back me up.

eortiz

Now that changes the whole story. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm obviously out of my league to say anything anymore except that be as reasonable as you can and you're right he is still your father no matter what. Good luck.

SeattleSheila

Oy, that's some situation. You don't by any chance have a basement? If you did you could set up an apartment with a separate entrance... Then you wouldn't scrutinized every time you come and go...

Dunno, giving advice is oh, so easy when you don't have to take it.

Wing Zero

I won't hold anything against anyone. Can someone tell me what they would do?

SeattleSheila

Maybe your Dad is feeling like a failure because he had to rely on you in order to get the mortgage. I don't know if selling the IS would make things any better, since then he'd feel like he wasn't able to do ANYTHING to help make things work. However, you COULD sell the car privately and take the financial hit. Then, borrow your brother's car as much as you can (do give him something for the use of it) and save up a decent downpayment for another vehicle. The meantime, YOU make the house payments and rent it to your Dad ( yes, signed lease and all.) That way, if you look for financing again, you'll be property owner with a tenant...and that looks good.

vlad_a

Trading in the IS would mean loosing a ton of money, so I would keep it. It is a fun car to drive. It will bring you pleasure every day.
Threating your Dad w/ the deed for the house is not a good idea, for it will put a big dent in your relationship. I know you would not do that unless absolutely necessary. I was having similar issues w/ my Dad, eventually he did realize I'm an adult and will do everything the way I want to. My saying, "if you don't like it, I can move out" may have helped a bit.

Think about your future growth. If you get your masters in a couple of years, you would be able to get an even higher paying job, which will make the whole IS issue disappear.
As far as moving out, well, you said you can stay there for another couple years. If worst comes to worst, you can move out and find a roommate, your brother, maybe.

I'm at a similar cross-road myself: to move out or not to move out. I pay part of the mortage for the house, paid part of the downpayment. I have a chance to move in with a roommate. I decided against it, for it will strain me financially and leave less flexibility for the future. Besides, living in a house has its advantages. My car is garaged, for one.

eortiz

I agree with Sheila. The bottom line is that you need to talk to your Dad and work things out. Who else will help each other except family members. Besides, don't let a car ruin a home. I think if you were to sell the car and work with your brother in using one car then your father will see you as a person making things work, not just for yourself, but for everyone. Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't buy a Lexus. I'd probably buy something cheaper but dependable. I actually feel bad when I bought mine since my Dad drives an old '87 (base model)Sentra that I gave him a long time ago. Here I am driving a $30K+ car and my Dad is driving an old one. So now I'm making it up by covering some of my parents expenses as much as I can. You will loose some money for selling your car but the loss is nothing compared to keeping the family together.

Wing Zero

OK I'm gonna lighten things up a little right now. Lets just talk about other cars I can consider.

Other than the Celica GT, I was thinking maybe an Accord EX Coupe (4 cylinder). Mazda Protege5 and Civic SI Coupe.

What do you guys think?

Herzog

One more option, Buy a Multi-Family home (2-3 family) & sell the current house.That way you can each have your own privacy , piece of mind, you'd have a Lex, a Dad even! If you had a third unit, your brother would have his own appartment, or you could rent it out for some money towards the mortgage. I currently own a Multi & it's cool! Especially if it comes with a garage! Well, just an Idea...........

haveboost

I'm sorry, I don't really understand. I would defenitely find a way to MOVE. That's what I did and now I have the best relationship with BOTH my parents. They respect me for the man I have become, even though in the beginning they did not like it. (moving out and buying a new car) In the mean while try finding a roomate like someone else suggested. (maybe 2) But I would try to keep both. Think about it, your not going to safe that much by buying a Celica. (what you save, you'll save even more with a roomate)


Hey Just a thought!!

Wing Zero

OK I just tried to talk to my dad about it. I told him that having the lex is too much burden and we would be better off with a cheaper car. He was like its too late now just keep it. So I started talking about how I can't move out as long as we have that car. He's like "You're never moving out". I was saying I can't live here forever and what if I get a job far away, I would have to get an apartment.

Then he goes on about how my friends put me up to this. He says he had lots of respect for me but lost all respect for me because of this. I don't really believe it, hes just upset. I think the only reason why he had respect for me before was becuase I was obedient, but now I'm speaking my mind. I asked him what made him have respect for me before and he was like "Just go away". He didn't really have any straight answers other than "Don't worry about the money, we have plenty". I don't believe that because there is so much work that needs to be done on the house and it hasn't been done, even though my mom has been bugging him for years.

I glad its out in the open. I'm a little worried but a little relieved at the same time.

SeattleSheila

I think your Dad knows that if you got rid of the Lexus, his contribution to the family finances would be out the window. He doesn't want to be beholden to you over the house...he wants to be Lord of his castle and he doesn't feel that way right now. Of course, he knows you'd lose a bundle if you sold the car too.
Strange that he said "you're never moving out". What does he think? You're never going to have a life of your own? Did you tell him that you love and respect him and that all you want in return is the same love and respect? That's what it boils down to. After that bridge is crossed, the rest is just working out the details of how to get on with it. Maintaining domestic tranquility is EVERYONE'S job.
Is your Mom any help at all or is she staying completely out of it? ...I hope she's not working to your disadvantage in private...like taking your side all the time when talking with your Dad. That would certainly make him feel resentful.

Forgive my ramblings. I'm feelin' for ya.

Hey, IDEA for male bonding this summer: Since the house needs work, pick a little project and suggest the two of you work on it. (Hey, if it's your house anyway, it's a good investment for you.)

Wing Zero

I didn't say I love and respect him, because I think that is too mushy for one guy to say to another even though he is my father. I do respect him but I am losing it with each conversation I have with him.
As for my mom, well I'm pretty sure she is with me. She doesn't really talk to my dad anymore. She is in the same boat as me when it comes to losing respect for him. But she does love him and puts up with him. Another thing he said was he was expecting me and my brother to take care of him and my mom when they get older. Now I will help them out when they need it, but they better not expect me to let them live in my home with my wife and kids (assuming I have any at the time).

He is losing control though. Me and my brother have jobs and can take pretty good care of our selves. We come and go as we please. I own the house, my brother owns an Acura 3.2TL. We both have graduated from universties (we paid for tuition ourselves, my father didn't give us a cent yet made it perfectly clear that we had to go to university if we were to live under his roof at the time).
I think it may bother him that we don't have to take orders from him anymore. As soon as he bought the lexus, he regained some control (over me anyway). That is the main reason why I want a cheaper car. He won't have that grip on me with a cheaper car.

4NROOTS

Hey Wing Zero,

While reading this thread, i've been thinking about how convoluted your problem really is. I'm going to attempt to simplify it with my own interpretation. I may make some assumptions, so please correct me if i'm wrong.

Number 1

This problem is much larger than just the idea of selling a car to reduce costs

Number 2

You come from an ethnic background (so do I)

Number 3

Your dad, in his own way, is trying to ensure a better quality of life for you and your brother. Where he comes from, it is probably a strong belief that a good education is your meal ticket, hence the constant push for you to further your education. His mind is on one track, better education = better job = more $$...no alternatives. I come from a background that shares those same beliefs, and these were imposed on me by my parents during my formative years. Regardless of the obvious credit problems and home ownership stuff, he still feels he holds the reigns as head of the family and will not be defeated at any cost

Number 4

You understand exactly what is going on, but you know in your heart of hearts that it will be impossible to explain this to your dad in a calm and logical manner. Because he is being stubborn, so to speak, any attempt at reasoning between you and your dad can be thrown out the window

Number 5

It seems to me that you need some outside help. the selection of this mediator is very important. it can't be your mother since your dad probably has too much pride to listen to what she would have to say. the only possibilities in my eyes are:

(a) A family member (ie an uncle) that is both someone your father respects and is easily approchable by you as well
(b) A professional therapist (psychologist/psychiatrist)

I don't think option b will work at all since your dad would not be amenable to it, so that leaves option a. I don't think it's a good idea to pull rank on your dad with the house...it will only serve to permanently dissolve your already fragile relationship. i think that you need to find somebody who can get through to your dad, but don't expect a miracle. even if you can find this magic person, i think it's highly unlikely that your father will totally change. he will always maintain the position of the patriarch and there will continue to be a certain degree of distance between the two of you. this does not mean that you can't have a good relationship with him.

please don't be offended if my interpretation is totally off...just hope i can help

Wing Zero

Your right on the nose.

But I think I do have someone who can help. My dads brother (my uncle). My mom and his wife are best friends, I'll see what they can do.

I have made this into a bigger deal than it has to but I think my dads motives are to control me, which I will not accept. When I first told him I wanted the option of moving out, it really upset him. If I were to move out then what little control he had over me would be gone completely. But I feel that I cannot grow living in this house anymore. I think he feels that I want to abondon the family. I don't want to abondon the family, but I am getting to the point where I think it would be best for me to have my own space.