How fast is your new whatever? Doesn't matter -- this full-size, four-door Audi is faster. That's right, kids, unless you're driving one of the absolute quickest cars on the market, the 2013 Audi S8 luxury sedan will probably show you its taillights.

Let's look at the numbers. This all-wheel drive luxo-cruiser weighs a stout 4619 pounds and packs a 520-horsepower, 4.0-liter twin-turbo V-8 with 481 lb-ft of torque. Hah! Your Chevord Mustaro GZ-51 makes more power than that! Well, you'd better get that launch right, or you'll be explaining to your passengers why you just lost to a sedan. See, this new Audi S8 hits 60 mph in 3.5 seconds and runs the quarter mile in 11.8 seconds at 118.3 mph. Your Camaro ZL1 doesn't have a chance, and your Shelby GT500 better hook up or it's done, too. Of course, S8 buyers don't usually cross-shop Mustangs and Camaros, but it's still worth noting that you'd have to pay nearly the same coin for a Nissan GT-R or a Corvette ZR-1 that will actually beat the $110,000 Audi.

Forget the sports cars, then. Let's talk real-world competitors. Mercedes-Benz S63 AMG? The last one we tested (a 2012 model) needed 4.3 seconds to get to 60 mph and 12.6 seconds to run the quarter. There's a new one coming, but it's at least a year out. How about that new Alpina B7, since BMW doesn't do an M7? BMW claims a 0-to-60 mph time of 4.5 seconds. We'll verify that soon enough, but it makes no difference here. The S8 also bests the smaller, lighter M5, which needs 3.7 seconds to hit 60 mph and 11.9 seconds to finish the quarter mile. The newest Maserati Quattroporte we tested, a 2008 Sport GT, matches up on price but not performance. It needed 5.4 seconds to hit 60 mph and 13.9 seconds to do the quarter. What about the Jaguar XJ Supersport? 4.7 seconds to 60 mph claimed. Lexus LS 460 F Sport? Slightly faster than the Maserati, Lexus says. Infiniti M56? Into the fours, but still way behind the Audi. For nearly double the price, you could get a Bentley Continental Flying Spur Speed, but you'd be more than a second slower to 60 mph. If you're willing to triple the price tag and forgo two doors, Ferrari says the new FF will hit 60 mph in 3.7 seconds and it's probably slightly quicker than that, but Ferrari won't give us one to test.


The only car in the class that can match the S8 for straight line speed is its distant cousin, the Porsche Panamera Turbo S, and it's still a dead heat. The Panamera will hit 60 mph in 3.5 seconds, same as the S8, and run the quarter in 11.8 seconds at 118.0 mph to the Audi's 11.8 seconds at 118.3 mph. Let's not forget that the Porsche is rocking a seven-speed dual-clutch gearbox while the Audi pulls off the upset with an eight-speed automatic and torque converter. Oh, and the Audi is more than 200 pounds heavier, all-aluminum construction be damned.


The story differs only slightly when you turn the steering wheel. The Panamera Turbo S and M5, being nearly full-fledged sports cars, pull higher average g numbers on the skidpad and run quicker figure-eight times. Everything else remains in the S8's dust. It pulled an impressive 0.90 g average on the skidpad and looped the figure-eight test in 25.1 seconds at 0.79 g average. For good measure, it also laid down a 107-foot stopping distance from 60 mph, just 2 feet longer than the Porsche's.


What's truly remarkable is how the S8 drives. There are cars that seem to shrink around you when driven hard and cars that don't; the S8 is the former. Every time you drive this car quickly, you get out and gape at the size of it. It simply shouldn't do what it does. Like the lightening-fast launch down the dragstrip, the S8's handling is directly attributable to its Quattro all-wheel drive system. While the big Audi would plow like a Deere when pushed too hard on the skidpad, it was unflappable on the road. Grip in corners is unshakeable, and the all-wheel drive allows you to roll hard into the throttle early and rocket out. We couldn't screw up a corner bad enough to get understeer on the road; nor were we willing to push it to the extremes necessary to induce a wiggle of oversteer at corner exit that we produced on the figure eight.


Its grip is all the more impressive considering the power. While 520 hp doesn't sound like all that much (relatively speaking, of course) considering the performance, we think Audi's being conservative. Very conservative. Its output is similar in feel to a Mercedes-Benz engine with a mountain of mid-range torque hurtling you down the road rather than relying on extreme revs to make power, though it does still rev nicely. Coming out of a corner, the transmission doesn't bother to downshift because it doesn't need to. It simply digs into that deep pile of torque and shoots you out with the soft grumble of a distant jet engine. That torque converter automatic is also an impressive piece, shifting as quick as you'd perceive a dual-clutch to shift and with no discernable interruption of power. CVTs don't change ratio this imperceptibly. We found ourselves ignoring the paddle shifters, not because the transmission was telepathic like a Porsche PDK, but because the power band was so wide that you never really needed a lower or higher gear than what the computer had already selected. It didn't matter where the rev counter was or what gear you were in -- it would just go.


Likewise rising above and beyond the call of duty are the massive steel brakes. You'd think with well over 500 horsepower and more than 4600 pounds of car behind them, these steelies would show at least some signs of fade after a good mountain run. Nope. They took everything we threw at them and never so much as flinched. The pedal was a bit squishy up top and you had to get into it a little ways to get to the real stopping power, but once you were in it, the feel was excellent and the modulation unimpeachable.


If there's once place where the big Audi falters ever so slightly, it's in the steering. Audi power steering has refined seemingly with every new model in the past few years, but it's still not quite there. The S8 is no exception. The weight and response in Normal mode are right on (Dynamic mode is too heavy, and artificially so) and the progression is linear and smooth. The feel, though, continues to be absent. There's a hint of it, but for the most part, you just have to trust that the front tires are gripping as well as the rest of the car seems to indicate, because the steering wheel won't tell you much of anything


The 2013 Audi S8 is one of the most capable sedans we've driven, and it does so at a price that shames some of its closest competitors. Audi has been firing volleys directly at sport luxury competition for years now, and with the new S8, it's scored a direct hit.