Have the little people in your fiefdom started tossing M51 grenades at you? Are the swarms of big armor-piercing bullets coming toward you becoming a constant nuisance as you tour the kingdom?

Mercedes has the answer and we went to Stuttgart to have our exclusive drive thereof. It is called the 2010 Mercedes-Benz S600 Pullman Guard and it is a monumental thing to behold, much less to pilot around the hilly urban area near Mercedes headquarters.

Though Rainer Gärtner, the senior manager of the Mercedes Guard division, never used the word when speaking with us, the S600 Pullman Guard is certifiably "ginormous" in a way not even approachable by the extended-wheelbase Rolls-Royce Phantom.

Designated the VV 221 model, this S-Class weighs 11,685 pounds and measures a tick just under 21 feet (252 inches) overall with a 14.2-foot (170.4-inch) wheelbase. Due to the massive stresses already placed on the 27.6-inch (total diameter) Michelin PAX run-flat tires with rock-hard 121Q-rated sidewalls, the Pullman Guard is limited to a top speed of just 100 mph and no acceleration numbers are given.

At the wheel or in the spacious rear cabin, the 2010 Mercedes-Benz S600 Pullman Guard defines utterly unrivaled substance and total protection from the vicious world lurking just on the other side of the 2.4-inch-thick windows.

Armored Personnel Carrier
"When all has been tried," says Gärtner, "there is no substitute for steel on armored cars." Besides the obvious size and mass of the car itself, each of the four doors on this latest Pullman Guard weighs 350 pounds (the rear doors actually have an electrohydraulic aid to fully close the doors so they weigh even a bit more). Apparently owner and crew are meant to have a ground staff on hand to open and shut. Total armor work on our big tester amounts to 3,970 pounds, or the weight of a 2004 Mercury Grand Marquis.

The chief benefit in buying a Pullman Guard from Mercedes — $1.4 million base price — is that the car is built from the ground up as a Guard car and not simply retrofitted with security measures that leave compromising ****** in the armor. For example, every possible seam in the bodywork of this monster S600 is filled by cleverly interlocking layers from the two adjoining panels. Moreover, the drivability and integrity of the original chassis is intact, while the Pullman Guard can be serviced at any Mercedes-Benz dealership and has a full factory warranty.

This Pullman Guard in a trim level called Highest Security meets several unbelievable testing criteria. It meets all VR6 and VR7 security thresholds set by NATO, versus High Security, which meets VR4 levels corresponding to a .44-magnum handgun. This certifies that the car can withstand a five-grenade sandwich maneuver, wherein three M51 hand grenades sited under the car and two placed on the roof are all set off simultaneously. As an option for world leaders living in really dicey locales, there is a 660-pound floor structure that will withstand the M61 hand grenades preferred by the U.S. Army, among others.

The polycarbonate side windows are 2.4 inches thick and feel like brick when you rap them with a knuckle. The windscreen and rear window can be less thick, since projectiles fired from ground level will meet these windows at an angle and therefore must travel through just as much material in the end. (This is a damned sight better than in olden times, when the driver's compartment was considered expendable and therefore not armored.)

Driving Fort Knox
Rather than drawing any analogies to the Maybach 62, as we were frankly ready to do, let us say instead that driving the 2010 Mercedes-Benz S600 Pullman Guard is like driving a Maybach 62 to the power of two. Despite all the effort put into making this car drive as much as possible like a civilian S600, there's not even a distant chance of thinking of this mondo S as anything other than a shrapnel-deflecting monolith.

Guiding the 11,685-pound S600 PG around obstacles and over speed bumps feels just as we'd imagined it might, as the body continued to react for a while once the obstacle or bump had been conquered, as if it were experiencing aftershocks. Steering, braking and throttling all need to be done with a firm and commanding attitude, and we adapted to this need in short order. Suspension mods include reinforced strut towers all around, an additional antisway brace between the front towers and two additional steel springs in back to complement the air suspension. Pneumatics can also raise the whole car up some 1.6 inches when required.

Though we appreciated these many miles as chauffeur, the real experience to be had is in the rear stateroom of the 2010 Mercedes-Benz S600 Pullman Guard. Take a look at any film footage of a royal visit from the 1960s and you'll generally see kings and queens wearing fetching hats as they emerge from their limo. And so it was in 1965 that the Mercedes facility in Sindelfingen raised the roof of the legendary Mercedes-Benz 600 Pullman state car to accommodate Queen Elizabeth II's chapeau during her visit to Germany that year. Since then, all stretched diplomatic cars have followed this lead (even President Obama's stretched Cadillac, despite the fact that there's no chance of him being seen with a top hat), so the S600 Pullman Guard has 2.4 inches of added headroom back there whether you wear an Easter bonnet or no.

With all the armor layered on to the passenger cell, we found it impossible to hear the 36-valve, twin-turbo, 510-horsepower 5.5-liter V12 through the reinforced four-tip exhaust system. Given also that the performance requisites of this tried-and-true power unit are here frankly very limited beyond basic stylish hauling, the transmission is also the old five-speed automatic with steering wheel paddles. Shifts are unfelt.

Everyday Options
In reality, the options list at this level of the market goes on for days. Besides the possibility of armoring the floor even more, there is an available three-extinguisher fire-fighting system, an emergency fresh-air system that seals everything off in case of a gas attack and pumps oxygen into the cabin, rear-facing seats with foldable squabs to make more room for royal legs and feet, enhanced infrared night vision, flag and pennant holders on the front fenders and the blue-light special with flashing grille lights and a detachable roof light.

Standard standouts include: the Maybach rear-seat center console with work tables and refrigerator; a 19-inch multifunction flat screen monitor that rises from behind the rear-facing seats; and the partition wall with electro-transparent glass that features liquid crystals that go opaque in an instant. There's a full-on 95-ampere backup battery, panoramic rearview camera, a newly developed curtain-type airbag, twin-caliper front brakes (as on the Maybach) and specially designed run-flat tires to handle severe blowouts due to explosions of the terrorist sort. Appointed drivers are also given a full driver's training course in which the virtues of power-sliding a 5.8-ton bulletproof limo are explored. So far, 100 percent of orders have come with the exterior specified in basic black.

Tell No One
Those who build the 2010 Mercedes-Benz S600 Pullman Guard at the dedicated Guard facility in Sindelfingen never know for whom they are building. The sole contact for everyone throughout production is the dignitary's official buyer. Between 600 and 700 examples of the Guard car are built every year in S-Guard, G-Guard and E-Guard trim, although the specific number of S600 Pullman Guard units on the road is a closely held state secret at Mercedes-Benz.

Most popular markets for the 2010 Mercedes-Benz S600 Pullman Guard are former Soviet states and Eastern Europe, the Middle East and Asia. Fear not, though; Mercedes refuses to build things like this for hoodlums and drug lords, turning away several inquiries each year.