I would like your thoughts!

[qtb33]

A situation has arisen in my life. I normally keep this stuff to myself and think it through privately but I’m very uncertain about this, so I’m asking CL their thoughts.

I recently asked a cousin to do me a favor and drive me to a meeting I needed to attend in the lovely state of IA. I had him drive because I can no longer legally drive there. Don’t ask. Both of us are “spirited” drivers as Tirerack.com would call us. So while driving to our destination we took a few side roads that I knew and my cousin drove in that spirited manner. While doing this he ate it and smacked a small reflective pole. Placing the dent/crater you may or may not have seen on my SC300. During the whole incident I never got mad or even commented, but being the good person my cousin is he immediately accepted full responsibility and offered to pay in full. I have never asked, or even since then said he should.

A little background for you. My cousin is basically like my brother and is only 18 years old. We have a very open relationship and think very highly of each other and wouldn’t let something as silly as this scar our friendship.

After this happened I let it go and never have really said anything about it. I’m glad he is the kind of person I thought and it never dawned on me that I would be taking advantage of him or anything negative. To me, he made a decision and I respected what he wanted to do. I know he is young and I honestly thought what he did was very “manly”, to be cliché`.

A few days later we arrive home and he tells his mother and father about the whole ordeal. Several days later his parents approach me and explain that they don’t think he should pay for this. They tell me that he was doing a favor and that I should have asked him to stop driving in such a manner. They continued to tell me that it is morally wrong and I shouldn't do this.

I totally respect these people and consider what they have to say as valuable. I honestly do not care about the money, never have never will. Saying that, I want you to know; I don’t have the money to cover the damage and just don’t have a lot of extra money period. I just saw what he wanted to do as respectful, so I didn’t want to slap him in the face with saying no.

So dose this make me morally wrong? I know I’m a little jaded when it comes to some morals and sympathy but I would never intentionally hurt a family member. I had an unusual life growing up and spent 6 years in the Army. I think putting emotions and sympathy into a decision will only cloud your judgment. I know I’m sometimes very unsympathetic but I think people need to be responsible for their actions and need to bite the bullet sometimes and fix their wrongs. This isn’t that case. I never asked for the money and as I already said I don’t care about.

So, I’m thinking of returning all the money he has given me, basically so they’ll shut up about it. I don’t care, my cousin doesn’t care, we had a mutual agreement that we were both comfortable with and I basically got told I was taking advantage of him and using him. This was never the intent. It honestly really pisses me off that these people had to stick their opinions into a situation where there wasn’t a victim and tell someone they were wrong and a bad person. I may be exaggerating but that’s how it made me feel. I honestly felt bad after the conversation and didn’t know where to stand.

So lend me your opinions, I may not take them to action but I’m trying to do the right thing. Since we both don’t really care, I think it may just be better to give it all back.

Thanks in advance.

PS sorry for the long post but I think it's important to give you the whole story.

[J.P.]

Originally posted by qtb33
A situation has arisen in my life. I normally keep this stuff to myself and think it through privately but I’m very uncertain about this, so I’m asking CL their thoughts.

I recently asked a cousin to do me a favor and drive me to a meeting I needed to attend in the lovely state of IA. I had him drive because I can no longer legally drive there. Don’t ask. Both of us are “spirited” drivers as Tirerack.com would call us. So while driving to our destination we took a few side roads that I knew and my cousin drove in that spirited manner. While doing this he ate it and smacked a small reflective pole. Placing the dent/crater you may or may not have seen on my SC300. During the whole incident I never got mad or even commented, but being the good person my cousin is he immediately accepted full responsibility and offered to pay in full. I have never asked, or even since then said he should.

A little background for you. My cousin is basically like my brother and is only 18 years old. We have a very open relationship and think very highly of each other and wouldn’t let something as silly as this scar our friendship.

After this happened I let it go and never have really said anything about it. I’m glad he is the kind of person I thought and it never dawned on me that I would be taking advantage of him or anything negative. To me, he made a decision and I respected what he wanted to do. I know he is young and I honestly thought what he did was very “manly”, to be cliché`.

A few days later we arrive home and he tells his mother and father about the whole ordeal. Several days later his parents approach me and explain that they don’t think he should pay for this. They tell me that he was doing a favor and that I should have asked him to stop driving in such a manner. They continued to tell me that it is morally wrong and I shouldn't do this.

I totally respect these people and consider what they have to say as valuable. I honestly do not care about the money, never have never will. Saying that, I want you to know; I don’t have the money to cover the damage and just don’t have a lot of extra money period. I just saw what he wanted to do as respectful, so I didn’t want to slap him in the face with saying no.

So dose this make me morally wrong? I know I’m a little jaded when it comes to some morals and sympathy but I would never intentionally hurt a family member. I had an unusual life growing up and spent 6 years in the Army. I think putting emotions and sympathy into a decision will only cloud your judgment. I know I’m sometimes very unsympathetic but I think people need to be responsible for their actions and need to bite the bullet sometimes and fix their wrongs. This isn’t that case. I never asked for the money and as I already said I don’t care about.

So, I’m thinking of returning all the money he has given me, basically so they’ll shut up about it. I don’t care, my cousin doesn’t care, we had a mutual agreement that we were both comfortable with and I basically got told I was taking advantage of him and using him. This was never the intent. It honestly really pisses me off that these people had to stick their opinions into a situation where there wasn’t a victim and tell someone they were wrong and a bad person. I may be exaggerating but that’s how it made me feel. I honestly felt bad after the conversation and didn’t know where to stand.

So lend me your opinions, I may not take them to action but I’m trying to do the right thing. Since we both don’t really care, I think it may just be better to give it all back.

Thanks in advance.

PS sorry for the long post but I think it's important to give you the whole story.

He should take responsibility for his own actions. If he hit and hurt\killed someone, you wouldn’t be the one in court would you?

[Gojirra99]

Your cousin is 18 & certainly old enough to be fully responsible for his actions.

[qtb33]

Originally posted by SexySC
Your cousin is 18 & certainly old enough to be fully responsible for his actions.

Even if he is doing me a favor? If I hadn't asked him, he would have never been there to do this. I'm not disagreeing I just want to see your thoughts alittle more clearly.

I do have insurance but should I have to take the ding on my record?

[WhiteTiger]

I think that both you and your cousin should explain what you laid out here, to his parents (you may have already done this but I couldn't tell from your post). Noting that w/o you asking, he offered to pay and he was not asked or coerced to pay by you. Tell them that this is what you 2 felt was the correct thing to do and agreed on it before they got involved. Also elaborate why you both feel that this is what you want to do. If they don't like it, that is their problem IMO.

Then, if they continue to complain and moan, then you and your cousin can get back together and decide to give him back his money at that point if that is what you want to do.

I don't really think there is more to it. I understand that this is not that important in the whole scheme of things, but communication with them might go a long way toward resolving this if you haven't already done so.

[Gojirra99]

Originally posted by qtb33
Even if he is doing me a favor? If I hadn't asked him, he would have never been there to do this. I'm not disagreeing I just want to see your thoughts alittle more clearly.

I do have insurance but should I have to take the ding on my record?

Yes, even when he's doing you a favour. The minute he's behind the wheels, he is responsible for whatever happens to the car & I think he knows that, & he's man enough to offer to pay for the damage, which is good. Since the two of you are still in good terms, there will be lots of opportunities for you to return favours in the future. I think his parents are wrong to suggest you've done anything immoral, instead, your cousin has a moral obligation to pay for the damage.

[mmarshall]

In your story you did not mention if insurance was a factor, if your cousin had it, if it applied in this case, or if that company agreed to pay anything. You also did not mention if the pole that he hit was private or state property....that could make a difference too, because if it was county or state property, of course, they could also be involved.
Assuming , then, that the above factors do not apply, and that you two are privately responsible for the damage out of your pockets, here are my opinions:
First, if he is over 18, what his parents think may have moral but no legal relevance....he is an adult. He is at least partially responsible for the damage....and, IMO, should pay at least half of it. That includes the damage to your car, the damage to the pole, damage to any other property, and any fines he may get from the state of SD or IA (wherever the accident happened...you didn't say) for so-called "spirited" driving...as you put it.
Second, you, in my opinion, should agree to pay at least part of it.......up to half......because you allowed, and maybe even encouraged him to use your car....and apparantly you also wanted to get there in a "spirited" manner. If you...or him.....don't have enough in your bank accounts right now to cover your shares, there are many ways you can get it or borrow it...too many to list here. That will be up to you.
Third, I'm not going to preach to you two about this. Trust me.....I know what you two feel like. Vitrually EVERY young driver ( me included ! ) screwed up at least once, and I'm sure you have both learned your lessons by now.....but I personally I think it would be wise for you two to make a pledge to each other to drive in an UN-spirited manner from now on. You will both come out ahead doing this.....in gas, tires, wear-and-tear on your cars, AND getting affordable insurance.

Good luck to both of you ....let us know how it goes.

[mkorsu]

I feel that since your cousin is 18 and old enough to take responsibility for his actions he should pay for the damages. As you said, he offered this immediately. This speaks volumes about his character. His parents obviously see this in a different light and maybe just to save face within the family you may consider what mmarshall said and only accept half from your cousin. My feeling is that if your cousin is allowed to shirk responsibilty for his actions, what is to prevent him from expecting this type of treatment down the road. A great lesson I learned about accepting responsibility was taught to me by my parents. When I was 21 I was arrested for DUI. I made my phone call home for my parents to bail me out. The response I got was "we'll see you some time tomorrow". I very quickly learned that my parents weren't always going to be there to protect me. From that point forward I have accepted full responsibilty for all my actions and I try very hard to think first. This might be something you want to consider.

[Lil4X]

Got to agree with mmarshall and mkorsu! Yes, he was "doing you a favor", but that does not relieve him of his responsibility behind the wheel. Your "spirited" driving evidently prevents you from driving in Iowa - if not due to physical impairment. Numerous and/or unpaid traffic citations, would be evidence of your own lack of responsibility. His "spirited" driving with you on board speaks to a distinct lack of maturity in both of you.

He took a chance, busted your car and has recognized some responsibility to pay. Good for him! He's willing to admit his part in the accident. However, you let him drive in that manner, which he probably took as approval by an older family member, when he lost control and wrecked your car.

I can understand his parents position, in that YOU as the elder, more "mature" person in the car had a responsibiltiy to slow him down before his demonstrated lack of skill / experience caused an accident. I don't believe they should have expressed their feelings in this way, but the possibility of their son claiming the accident on their insurance would force THEM to pay (through higher premiums) for YOUR lack of control over your cousin's juvenile behavior. That would steam me too.

At this point, I'd take whatever money your cousin is willing to provide (up to, but not over half the damages) and have the car repaired. You will probably wind up paying the larger part of the bill, but it's not worth the damage to the family relationship to insist that your cousin or his family pay for all of it. It was, after all, your car and your responsibility. If he had been badly hurt or killed in the accident, how would you feel?

If you are going to drive like that, or allow someone in your charge to drive like that, you have to accept the consequences.

[qtb33]

Originally posted by Lil4X
Got to agree with mmarshall and mkorsu! Yes, he was "doing you a favor", but that does not relieve him of his responsibility behind the wheel. Your "spirited" driving evidently prevents you from driving in Iowa - if not due to physical impairment. Numerous and/or unpaid traffic citations, would be evidence of your own lack of responsibility. His "spirited" driving with you on board speaks to a distinct lack of maturity in both of you.

He took a chance, busted your car and has recognized some responsibility to pay. Good for him! He's willing to admit his part in the accident. However, you let him drive in that manner, which he probably took as approval by an older family member, when he lost control and wrecked your car.

I can understand his parents position, in that YOU as the elder, more "mature" person in the car had a responsibiltiy to slow him down before his demonstrated lack of skill / experience caused an accident. I don't believe they should have expressed their feelings in this way, but the possibility of their son claiming the accident on their insurance would force THEM to pay (through higher premiums) for YOUR lack of control over your cousin's juvenile behavior. That would steam me too.

At this point, I'd take whatever money your cousin is willing to provide (up to, but not over half the damages) and have the car repaired. You will probably wind up paying the larger part of the bill, but it's not worth the damage to the family relationship to insist that your cousin or his family pay for all of it. It was, after all, your car and your responsibility. If he had been badly hurt or killed in the accident, how would you feel?

If you are going to drive like that, or allow someone in your charge to drive like that, you have to accept the consequences.

This is an interesting point of view.

For the record he had no insurance at the time due to him just selling his car and looking for another. I have liability only. Damages only occured to my car and no one was hurt.